Tuesday, 30 December 2014

2015 - the year everything changes


I don't usually do new years resolutions, my belief is they're made to be broken, you don't need to wait until new year to change your life etc BUT I am making some goals for 2015 so I guess I am jumping on board the new years resolution train.

My goals for 2015 are:
Lose 15kg
Tone up, be fit and healthy
Be able to eat clean (or mostly)
Save money
Learn to manage my bipolar and borderline personality disorder better

I know it seems like a lot, writing it down it looks a little overwhelming actually BUT they are all linked in, losing weight and making better lifestlye choices are great for mental health and not buying junk will help in saving money so technically they all link in together.

It just so happens that a new client of mine who is having a baby also owns a gym so I'm hoping to work a little magic and we can help each other! I am now heavier than I have ever been not pregnant, I'm heavier than I've been for most of my pregnancies too. The moment really hit when we did family photos at xmas and I was the biggest there, I looked and felt/feel horrible. I'm sluggish, tired, unmotivated, my self esteem has gone way out the window and ran away. I want to be able to feel confident in clothes not contantly pulling them down over the fat or changing because I look and feel like an elephant.

Why do I want to save money? Why do we all want money? I want to not struggle when a bill comes in or worry if I have enough money for groceries or when a child gets sick do I have enough for the medical care they need? If my car dies can I fix it? Being extremely low income this is going to be hard but I want to make a start and make an effort.
A few little things I am going to do are:
All coins under 50c will go in a jar
Everyday that I do not do exercise I put $1 in a jar
Everyday that I eat junk I put $1 in that jar

Hopefully I don't end up putting too many dollars in that jar, that one is a bit of a motivational thing rather than a saver.
I will also be doing the 52 week money challenge which is in the picture



I also want to start paying off some of my debts.
$150 a month (or more if I have any left over) will go towards this, its not a huge amount but it is better than nothing and is getting them paid off so I can be debt free.

I will be writing up a strict budget very soon, I do need to remember to put some play money in there though because we would go insane without being able to treat ourselves every now and then and having every single dollar tied up into living expenses.

I also aim to get my house under control. Mental illness and housework don't agree, they just don't and my poor house has suffered. Which gets me down even more, its quite the vicious cycle.
I am on a mission though, I will declutter - I have way too much, I get attached to silly things and can't throw them away.
Maybe we could all do a declutter challenge or a cleaning challenge - no judgements because mental illness effects our lives in enormous ways.

So lets get ready to say goodbye to 2014 and welcome 2015 with open hearts, minds and eyes!

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

A pointless rant

Here I go again another rant, another post with no actual meaning, another pity party.
Truth is I think I am going insane from no sleep, like literally.
I have my mental health worker coming over tomorrow and we only have 40 minutes because my daughter has an important appointment but I need to spill some things to her.
I have been having nightmares and flashbacks of my rape, even rapes that never happened to me but in my dreams they do and they turn so real, I wake up sweaty and crying. I even woke up this morning with a bite mark on my arm. I remember in my dream a man told me if I screamed I would die so I bit my arm, then I woke up with a bite mark. It is too much for me to take. Is this me remembering things from my rape because I have blocked a lot of things out and now I have started the trauma counselling I am remembering them and incorporating them into my dreams?
I know I never want to sleep again. Ever.

On the plus side the friend that I posted about last that was facing jail time was only given probation - thankfully, I am so thankful. She literally is my rock, she maybe half way around the world but I love her, she is my best friend, she is kind, loving, so selfless. I really am in awe of how strong she is. Everyday I stuff up where she stands so tall and strong.
Alcohol seems to be overtaking my life again, its the only thing that helps me get at least an hours solid sleep before the nightmares start if I go to sleep sober I don't even really sleep it all starts as I close my eyes.

My addictions are creeping back into my life, I just want something that takes all the stuff in my head away, the nightmares, the negativity, the stress, the arguing, everything. It doesn't feel like my bipolar medication is working anymore, maybe I need a higher dosage, I don't know I'm far from the professional here I just know I am losing it.
Maybe I need a break. They won't hospitalise me though, I don't know why, I truly feel I need it but apparently they've made things hard to get in - thanks to the Abbott Government - thanks you big earred twat.
I'm afraid to be honest, afraid of snapping lately, I know I am losing it, I know things are on top of me and I know I am using alcohol as a self medication type thing what can I do when nobody is listening? Wait until its too late and my kids get taken away or worse I do something to them that I cannot take back? How do I get somebody to listen when I say I am not fucking coping, I am cracking the fuck up, if these nightmares continue I will slice myself into little pieces or hang myself so they stop. How do I get somebody to take me seriously? The right people, my mental health team.
Don't get me wrong they're great but I need to be strong enough to say all of this out loud and for somebody to not think oh its just a bad day, it isn't just a bad day this is my life, the constant battle, every damn day.

Maybe I'll print this out and give this to my mental health worker tomorrow and see what she says, hopefully its good, hopefully she listens (she never hasn't), hopefully I am taken seriously. I'm already finding reasons not to.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

It's been a while .... again!

I am lacking so much motivation right now and have so much going on.
My son was recently in hospital, only overnight thankfully but his asthma was so bad we needed to call an ambulance, this triggered everything from when their lungs collapsed at 9 weeks old.
I am still trying to piece myself back together.

My therapist/shrink who thankfully does housecalls dropped by earlier in the week and brought over someone I don't know and a male at that. She knows my history, knows my story and brings a strange man into my house, I am upset, I want to stop all therapy and go back to my hole. Do I learn to be strong or do I run away? I don't know.

Eating habits and exercise have gone to shit lately. Poor time management, poor head space, poor budget. I vow to get back on track!
It feels lately that the more I try to get my life on track the more it is spinning out of control, maybe I am on the wrong path, maybe I need to step back and re-evaluate.

Recently I was put on medication for my bipolar and I am even finding that hard, being "normal" not having as many mood changes is confusing for me as it is what I am used to, all I seem to do now is cry. I don't really have any manic episodes now so my motivation has gone with that, no more dancing around carefree cleaning every little nook of my house. My house - thats a whole new vent!

I've started writing a book about my experiences with loss, my anxiety is playing with me over that, will anyone read it, will it even be published? Will I finish it? I am hoping it acts as a healing aid for me and others, my work as a bereavement doula is certainly doing that, I haven't yet supported a family through loss because I haven't put myself out there, I'm not sure I am strong enough yet and want to be, no, need to be strong enough for the family I will be supporting, it isn't fair otherwise.

I am worried about a friend of mine, I know she reads this and really hope she doesn't mind me mentioning her here, I won't go into detail because I haven't asked her permission and it isn't my story to share but she faced a hard time and addiction took hold, something I am familiar with, now she faces a legal battle. Court is coming up and I am hoping and praying her judge sees the good she has done for so many people and how she has conquered her addiction and come out such a better, stronger person. If any of you have or have had an addiction problem I highly recommend her group on facebook it has been a true god send for me during hard time, the group is called life after the gamble ... if you read this, I am constantly hoping for the best outcome for you, you are my inspiration!

Tomorrow lunch time school holidays start, 9 weeks of the girls being home! I am going to embrace daycare days when I only have them and not the twins and have girly days and do things with them as I know the twins take so much attention away from them. I will need to start thinking of some ideas!
I better go now, I have to drop the girls off for their junior school dance!

Sunday, 16 November 2014

When the struggle almost breaks you

Something bad happened today. $200 got taken from my bank account which was my grocery money. I for obvious reasons start stressing that I have $100 to feed my family (1 adult, 4 children) for 10 days. $10 per day, $2 per person and 3 meals per day - I'm screwed!!
Not quite phew! Did groceries. I'm yet to do the fruit and veg store which will provide sweet potatoes, fruit and pumpkin.
Also I have $20 aside for bread and milk.
So for under $100 (just) I managed it.


Lunches consist of noodles and soups I already have.
Breakfasts are toast, cornflakes or weetbix which I have.
Meal plan is:
Monday - spaghetti bolognese
Tuesday - pasta bake
Wednesday - baked beans on toast
Thursday - pumpkin soup
Friday - curried sausages and rice
Saturday - spaghetti on toast
Sunday - pasta bake
Monday - pumpkin soup
Tuesday - curried sausages and sweet potato mash
Wednesday - spaghetti bolognese
It's not glamorous - far, far from it. It's not clean, not all of its healthy, but I'm not going to beat myself up on this. In a bad situation I have still managed to be able to put food in my children's bellies and as a mother that means I have done my job. Could it be better, absolutely! Am I proud? No way. Could it be worse? Hell yes, I could have no food for my kids and no money. Instead I spent my last $100 to put food on the table for them.
Hopefully I can get the money back but I don't want my hopes up.
Never give up, things somehow will always work out. This is proof.

Friday, 24 October 2014

An update on my life

It has been a little while since I last blogged and for that I apologise! So what has been happening? Well I have had a lot of mental health stuff going on, had my medications changed twice in as many weeks and have officially been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Over the next few months my mental health workers and I are going to be working on my PTSD so I can accept new people into my life and repair the relationships with those currently in my life. I have joined a gym and have a personal trainer to start feeling good about myself and take advantage of all those fantastic benefits of exercise and endorphines. I am dedicated to starting to eat properly again. I have been stalking the 100 days of real food blog and want to do a similar challenge. I am joining Isagenix too to kick start my weight loss and new lifestyle. By cleansing and using the products I am hoping for increased energy, a general feeling of happiness and wellbeing from cleansing and freeing myself of toxins, support in cutting sugar, caffine and alcohol from my life. I will post more on my Isagenix journey once I have joined and can tell and show you the changes that I am certain I will acheive. But back to the real food challenge here is the challenge I will set for my family (this includes my ex as he has dinner here to spend time with the kids - something we are trialling) 181 days (6 months) - 2 adults - 4 children - 0 processed foods and on a budget! The budget shall be set at $600 per month. This is approx $1 per person, per meal. It doesn't sound like a lot does it? Especially since it doesn't include snacks either. I am determined to make this work and give my family a better, heathier life. I am not a nutritionalist at all so will be doing my best to balance all the nutrients so my children and myself (and I suppose the ex ;) ) aren't missing out on anything. I am working on the first fortnights meal plan and shopping list and will post that up as soon as I am done and have adapted recipes etc.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Self harm is not attention seeking

*****TRIGGER WARNING******
THIS BLOG POST DOES CONTAIN SELF HELP DISCUSSION AND IMAGES.



Something I heard recently has stuck in my head. Kept me awake. Made me cry. Made me angry and really i need to vent about it and it's coming in this post.

I was chatting recently with a very good friend about her brother in laws family, one obviously suffers from mental illness of some sort (I do not know the details but is often hospitalized from self harming) she said her boyfriend said to her "is that miss slitty?" That was the first thing that annoyed me the  as the conversation went on the boyfriend asks "so did she go across the street or up the road?" A question meaning which direction did she cut. The response was across the road. The boyfriend then said "so it's just attention seeking" she said pretty much.

Omg self harm is not about attention seeking (very, very, very rarely) 


This isn't attention seeking. Plus it has a drawing of my next tattoo ;) self harm isn't about people looking at you. I've never usually admitted.to my self harming let alone publicly displayed it, I always cover it so people can see, so do many others I know, if it were for attention wouldn't we be showing it off, flashing it around, wanting the sympathy?

It makes me so angry when people dismiss mental illness.  It is not a joke, it is serious.


Do I enjoy these scars? No. Am I proud of them? No. Do I cover them every chance I can? Yes. 
It is not about the attention not at all. I'm so angry I am going around in circles. 
Just please before you judge somebody for anything have step back. There could be a lot more to this persons story than you know. 

Sunday, 31 August 2014

I am a survivor not a victim

I always thought until very recently I was a victim of domestic violence. I learnt not long ago I am not a victim, I am a survivor and since that light bulb moment I have felt stronger and ready to start moving on.



The things I experienced with my ex (my 9 year olds father) I would not wish upon anybody. Although I said earlier than I am ready to move on I have been having a lot flashbacks lately,8 years later. Being out of the relationship doesn't always make you free. I have lived in fear for so long and that is about to change. I have nothing to fear now.

My ex went as far as to attempt to kill my daughter and I, at this point I was too scared to tell police what really happened and he got numerous other domestic violence related charges and I wish now I hadn't have downplayed what he did. Do you know why I did it? It was out of fear, shame, embarrassment even guilt, guilt that I stayed that long to the point I could have lost my daughter.

One thing that really annoys me when it comes to domestic violence is how naive people can be. I heard so many times "why don't you just leave?" Or most commonly because I never really spoke up when I was in the relationship "why didn't you just leave?" When somebody controls you so much and you fear them that much you can't, you can't eat without being told you're allowed, can't listen to music if they don't want you to, shower when you're told. How are you meant to leave? The abuser knows this, control is their main weapon. I was not allowed anywhere by myself and if I was he had people follow me. 


As I said before domestic violence has long lasting effects on the person on the receiving ends. I may not have physical scars but I do have bones that were broken that get sore at night or in the cold, I do have a lump on my nose from where it was broken, I do have the lasting memories. Remembering being pulled aside at a neighbour's house to ask about the bruises around my neck, excuse after excuse to housing about another wall or door I "fell through" 
In my current relationship I am very defensive for example if my husband can't find his keys I instantly jump on the defense "I didn't touch them, it wasn't me" 


It is my time to stand back up. It is my time to be strong, be happy, live the life I deserve.
Domestic violence hasn't only effected me, my daughter has some long lasting effects too including severe anxiety and social disorders. 


The above picture is a tattoo I will be getting in the near future, the purple ribbon is the domestic violence awareness ribbon and I love butterflies. Thinking back now if it wasn't for a good friend of mine who is as good as a sister to me for calling the police one night when my ex was in a rage and police intercepting the car I really believe I would have died that night. 

I have to go do the school pick up now but may write more on this tonight.





Monday, 18 August 2014

Nothing is left just a hollow shell


Yesterday I turned 16 weeks pregnant.
It should be happy, we (well I) have been busy picking out baby furniture and prams, we have discussed names, bought outfits all that stuff you do when planning for a baby.

This was a 15 week picture, I didn't take a 16 week one, bump was progressing very well, we had the heartbeat checked with a doppler a few days ago and all was amazing.



That has all come crashing down and exploded in a big firey mess. 2 days ago I started bleeding and went to go get checked out because there was quite a lot of blood and it was bright red and had started to follow up with cramping. Waited around at the hospital for ages before being seen and they confirmed it, our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Thankfully I have been able to come home and try pass the baby naturally rather than  a D&C.
This is my 11th miscarriage, yes 11th. I have been thrown off parenting forums before as the admin team didn't seem to believe somebody can miscarry so often but when you have a condition called Asherman's Syndrome it makes this a reality/nightmare for me, so please before judging somebody take a second to think and even talk to them because I was never allowed to give my side.

Now I am left feeling empty, more empty than usual. Normally when we miscarry I think it's ok we will get pregnant again and hope like crazy again, except this time I promised my husband was the last time I would put myself through this, there is no more chances. No more babies.

I can't type about this anymore at the moment, it hurts too much.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

A week as the monster

The monster is what I now call myself during my depressive states. I have become a monster. I don't even recognise myself anymore.
Yesterday morning I smashed a window in a rage, I didn't mean to break it but I kicked something in the lounge room and it hit the window.
I self harmed for the first time in a long time last night and now everything that touches my arm makes it burn.

I don't even know what has made me like this, everyday I am yelling, putting down those I love, being down right mean to them, degrading them. I am everything I always avoided, everything I ran away from. I am abusive to my family and I want it to stop now.

I cannot keep doing it to them, I do not want my children to end up as screwed up as I am, I want to fix me so I don't break them.

I already get professional help and currently not medicated, we are working towards that with the people I see at the psychiatric hospital. I need ways of stopping myself in that moment, how do I do that when I don't see the moment until it's too late, until I am too angry to stop and it just keeps coming and coming.
I don't even get a little ticked off these days I go from fine to an absolute rage in a second, I don't see it coming and I don't know how to stop it.
I have tried walks, going out for a while when I am angry if hubby is home to watch the kids and it doesn't work for me. I am thinking of doing yoga and meditation.

All I know right now is I hate who I have become, I am an empty shell, I do not recognise myself anymore, I do not want to be this person/thing I have become. I want to be happy, I want to love my kids, I want my kids to love me, I want to laugh, I want to be able to hug my family without feeling sick and repulsed, I want to feel warm and fuzzy again, I want to smile - a real smile not a forced one, I want to laugh so hard I cry, so much it hurts your chest. I want to feel light again not heavy.
I will be me again, I will!

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Save Breastfeeding Mama Talk



I admin on a facebook page called Breastfeeding Mama Talk. It was originally started as just a page to help and support breastfeeding mothers as in many communities it is still something that is very much looked down upon and many don't know where to turn for support.
Kristy Kemp the owner is no stranger to the struggle that comes along with running such a support page and the guidelines of social media.



Now Breastfeeding Mama Talk has 344,933 likers! We support and help hundreds of women per day. Breastfeeding Mama Talk has also now expanded due to having so many followers.

A private group for those who want community support and advice without those on their facebook friends list seeing (unless of course they are in the group too)

A picture page to share all those adoreable breastfeeding photos

The lions den for all your uncensored, controversial chit chat

Mama Talk Uncensored a private version of the lions den for all the banned topics within our regular groups such as abortion, circumcision etc

The adoption triangle is a group for those who were adopted, have adopted a child or have adopted out their own child

 Are you trying to conceive? There is a group for those to chat about pregnancy tests, cervical mucus and ovulation

Let's talk sex! For the women who are 18+ who like a bit of adult conversation

A private group to share your picture can also be found here at picture shares if you prefer not to use the public page

Teen moms or moms to be have a special place to chat about life as a teen mom or a former teen mom

Do you like playing  games such as how old am I? or the who does my baby look like? This group is for you mama games

We even have a place for daddies to be involved too mommies and daddies united

Mamas in the kitchen
is a great place to show of your latest creation or to get inspiration or meal planning tips

My favourite group that BFMT has to offer, a special place for those who have lost a baby or child at any stage of life and any gestation, a warm and gentle community parents of angels

For the blended family - Step families

Our special heroes is a group dedicated to those of us who has a child living with a disability or illness

See BFMT supports A LOT of families in many different ways, so why would a group of almost 40,000 women get shut down? Our regular breastfeeding mama talk in private group was shut down by facebook with no warning or explanation, may admins locked out of their accounts. We have had to set up a new group which can be found here breastfeeding mama talk privately

It is unfair that a group so large and supporting so many women just disappear overnight, members were not told where it went, many thought they had been kicked out by admin which certainly is not the case.
People have taken this time to make up false allegations against breastfeeding mama talk. Thankfully many people are supporting bfmt and are rallying together to get our voices heard by facebook and reinstate our group.



If you would love to get behind breastfeeding mothers and the support they get from our LC's, breastfeeding counsellors, nurses and experienced admin please hastage save bfmt on facebook! #savebfmt
40,000 women should not be punished and left without a safe place to get advice. Yes there are many other support groups out there but for a great deal of women in the group they needed to build up a trust relationship first before delving into the concerns they had about the shape of their nipples etc.



Friday, 25 July 2014

My mission for the 2014-2015 financial year

One of my wishes is to be able to own my own house.
Before I can do that I need to fix up my credit rating. My ex got out a whole heap of things when we broke up in my name and ran up HUGE bills on them, to this day I am still finding out about some, I got a nice phone call from a phone company I have never been with a few days ago for an unpaid bill of $2000 in 2006. Unfortunately there is not much I can do about it as he had all my details, drivers licence number, my equivalent of a social security number, everything. So to them "I" signed up.

Anyway with all of these debts I cannot apply for anything and I hate it, if it were my own fault I could accept it but since it wasn't it makes me really angry.
I have to find out how much I owe everyone and make payment plans to pay them all off.
Hopefully this can be done this financial year but of course that depends on that amount owed.
It will mean being on a very strict budget with no room for luxuries but the end result will be worth it.

So each fortnight I will pay my rent, pay my bills, buy groceries, fuel, childcare and pay off my debts that is all, no spending on things that aren't needed.
I will cut back in every area possible. I will not upgrade my phone or sign up for anything new until these debts are paid.

Now I don't know much about the system, after I pay these defaults I don't know what happens, does my credit rating go to zero or is it still bad but shows I have paid? Can I get loans once they are paid?

I'm not sure. My rent has always been paid, my gas bill is $700 in credit and my electricity bill is up to date, I have a phone on a plan - surely these things go in my favour?

Once this is all up to date hopefully by then end of this financial year (June 30th 2015) I will start saving like crazy for a deposit.

Assuming nothing changes moneywise here
Rent - $520 per fortnight (every 2 weeks)
Groceries - $320 per fortnight
Electricity - $110 per fortnight
Gas - $60 per fortnight
Mobile - $60 per fortnight
Ipad - $50 per fortnight
Home phone (incl internet) - $70 per fortnight
Childcare - $200 per fortnight
Fuel - $100 per fortnight
School fees - $200 per fortnight
Water - $10 per fortnight
Emergency/extras - $100 per fortnight
Medications - $140 per fortnight

So thats a grand total of: $1940 per fortnight. Groceries is on the larger side of what we spend but I'd like to know I have enough put aside.
We get approx $2248.54 per fortnight so $308.54 remains.

This isn't a great deal as we are supporting 4 children too.
But hopefully if this all goes to plan by June 30th 2015 I will have paid off $7404.96 I may not even have to pay that much until I get a hold of my credit rating I really have no idea.

That is also how much I'll be saving once debts are paid off, it is a little amount compared to most I know, we will be living tough.

We are country people so we want land to have our sheep, cows, chickens etc we also need at least 4 bedrooms but at least with our own house we can save (again!) and extend. So looking at the realestate.com website we need approx $700,000 for a property we want (this includes estimated legal costs) so I'd want a 10-15% deposit given my credit history isn't great.
15% of $700,000 is $105,000 how is it even possible to save this amount before I am 70?

Given how much I can currently save (worked on the above assuming the car doesn't need repairing or anything else) it will take me 14.5 years to save this. I want to own my home by the time I am 34, I am now 27, I have 6.5 years to save that amount - how on earth will I do that?
The only option is to severely downgrade what we want in a house which with 5 children really isn't an option they need space to sleep.

Anyone got any good saving tips?


 

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Meal plan 12-26 July

With my mental health taking a fast plummet to the ground with no sign of survivors I am stepping my lifestyle up a gear in hopes that if survivors are found they at least have a chance of recovery.

First things first - what we eat.
We don't eat bad, a lot of our meals are healthy and for the most part clean but we do get take away through the week, or I skip meals that I shouldn't. No more.
Clean, healthy and sugar free (baby steps with that one!)

So lets see the meal plan!

SATURDAY
Breakfast - Fruit & Spinach Smoothies
Lunch - Poached Eggs on Toast
Dinner - Roasted Vegetable Tacos with Cumin Cashew Crema

SUNDAY
Breakfast - Blueberry & Banana Quinoa Muffins
Lunch - Fruit Pizza
Dinner - Ginger & Peanut Chickpea Sliders with Sweet Lime Cashew Cream

MONDAY
Breakfast - Berry Parfait
Lunch - Slowcooker Black Beans & Chicken
Dinner - Mango Cashew Chicken

TUESDAY
Breakfast - Pink Breakfast Smoothie
Lunch - Egg Salad Sandwiches
Dinner - Pumpkin Risotto

WEDNESDAY
Breakfast - Blueberry& Banana Quinoa Muffins
Lunch - Slowcooker Black Beans & Chicken
Dinner - Fish & Sweet Potato Cakes with steamed veggies

THURSDAY
Breakfast - Pink Breakfast Smoothie
Lunch - Poached Eggs on Toast
Dinner - Pork, Apple & Sage Meatballs with sweet potato mash

FRIDAY
Breakfast - Fruit & Spinach Smoothies
Lunch - Slowcooker Black Beans & Chicken
Dinner - Turkey Chilli with Wholegrain Cornbread

SNACKS
Fruit Kebabs
Fruit & Yoghurt
Nuts
Boiled Eggs
Frozen Banana Bites
Peanut Butter Dip with Fruit

Secondly - fitness
Endorphins do amazing things for us as does self esteem, being healthy and feeling great surely has to help in some way.

Morning Yoga
Bootcamp 3 x per week at Ballarat Health Studio - 45 minutes of intense workouts at 6am!
30 day challenges
On Thursday & Fridays I will also be walking/jogging around Wendouree Lake which is 6km and probably work in a weekend walk with the whole family too
Yoga to promote better sleep 

I also need to think of some ideas for when the boys are in daycare and the girls are in school of things to do for ME

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Control and routine

According to my therapist I make lists for everything so I can control things which is apparently very common for abuse survivors to have that thing they can control when everything else is so out of control or out of your own control at least.
 
So why not use this blessing or curse (it can be both) to add some structure to my life and make things easier.


Obviously I have to be a little flexible with these because we never know what is going to happen in life, illness or I could be called into a birth etc.

My mornings now shall consist of:

Yoga before the kids get up
http://www.fitsugar.com/Yoga
Bootcamp 3 times a week (at 6am eekkk!)
1-2 loads of washing
Make all beds


Afternoons will now consist of:
Meal prep to make dinner not a huge rush
Sweep all floors and vacuum carpeted areas
Wipe all surfaces

Evenings will now consist of:

Doing dishes every single night
Folding washing every single night
More yoga
http://www.fitsugar.com/Yoga

This may not seem like a lot to the average person but for me it is a lot, I need this structure and this stability. Doing these simple things will help stay on top of my housework to avoid me becoming overwhelmed which has happened a lot recently.
It is not easy with 4 young children to do these things so I am keeping it simple but hopefully it will be effective and soon these will be routine and a part of my everyday normal so more can be added.

Now to work on some lists of activities to do with the kids so we can work some fun into our days too!



Friday, 20 June 2014

It's a confidence building exercise

**This post is about sexual assault so please if this topic is a trigger for you either don't read or read on with caution**
It wasn't until recently that I realised I have been sexually assaulted more times than just the time I was raped, just because intercourse wasn't involved doesn't mean it wasn't assault.
Firstly we will start with my father in law - yes my husbands own father. I had just had my third child, she was around 3-4 months old and my husband was at work, my father in law stopped by which never happened as he lived quite some distance so I wasn't uncomfortable by this, I assumed he had come to see his new grandaughter, my husbands first child.
She fell asleep shortly after he arrived and he said are you coming out for a smoke? Being a smoker at the time I said yes, we smoked out in the garage.
We had been out there for about 15 minutes when he said come here, I did. He hugged me, this was nothing new he had always been very affectionate and I had never thought anything of it, I actually liked it. Then he kissed me, on the lips and I could feel his tongue trying to force its way into my mouth. I was 21 and he was 60. I didn't say no, I froze, paralysed to the spot. This went on for about half an hour, I couldn't move, talk, nothing, I wasn't even in my own body anymore, disassociation has well and truly kicked in.
Eventually I said I need to check the baby and ran inside and woke the baby and held her close to me the whole time, he left shortly after and I rang my husband in tears.
He of course rang his father and his father said that it was a confidence building exercise for me - how that builds my confidence I have no idea. Well the rest of the family soon heard that I had "accused" him of these things and then a few other family members (ex wives of my husbands brothers) came to me and told me of similar experiences they have had with him.
I'm not sure if this is even sexual assault but my trust was shattered as was my husbands, my privacy was invaded, kissing someone in that manner certainly shouldn't be something that goes on with your father in law when you're engaged to be married.
Why didn't I say no? I was scared, plain and simple, I froze.


After I started going to a family violence counselling program the worker there also made me aware that what my ex used to do was sexual assault and rape. Because he was violent if he came home while I was in bed I would pretend to be asleep, if he wanted sex he would just take it with me still pretending to be asleep, call me stupid but until recently I thought that was ok because we were together so he was entitled to do that but no he was not because if I were actually asleep I would not have been in a position to say no.

There is one more incident but I am not yet ready to tell that story as it is very recent (only a few months ago) 

Dream without fear. Love without limits

Today has been a really, really emotional day.
Lets start off by telling you in these parts of Australia at this time of year it is bitterly cold. My husband has gone to work approx 3 hours away and I am getting 4 children ready, 2 for daycare and 2 for school.
I can't find the car keys, they aren't on the hook, they aren't on the bench and they aren't on the table. So I call my husband and ask him as he was the last one to use the car and all I get is "oh shit, they're in my pocket" So he is 3 hours away with my keys - great! So I ask him where the spare key is "I have that too" WTF???!!!! After a lot of ringing around I got the kids to their destinations now I'm worrying that I won't be able to get the boys in time.

I'm still sick, getting better but still can't breathe very well, sneezing and coughing so I haven't been going to bootcamp. I also haven't really been online very much because I've had no energy.


I do have fabulous news though. Check out the ticker!


So that is correct as of today, it has been 5 whole days without alcohol to numb out reality, 5 days of living in the real world. It hasn't felt good (yet), I am finding it very hard to cope (for now) but I am proud of myself since I have been drinking everyday for the last few years and haven't been able to go to events without making a fool of myself and not remembering most of it.
I would not have been strong enough to take this step without a dear friend of mine, her name is Heather and although I've never met her in real life since she's in a different country, I feel like I can tell her anything and I wish she were closer.
She set up a group for people with addictions, or ex addicts or families and friends of addicts and it has given me the support I need to do this.
Check out the group Life After The Gamble

Not much else is going on with me at the moment I am struggling beyond belief to keep the house tidy as hubby is working a lot, 4 kids and the above paragraph has been making it hard for me to focus on anything. But I know it will get easier, things will get better and life will be good.
Anyway the ferals are trying to kill each other so I must go to that.
 

Sunday, 8 June 2014

To my followers

I have a whole 2 followers now - yippee! This may not seem like anything, most blogs out there have hundreds, thousands even and I have 2! It does mean a lot to me though 2 people want to follow what I have to say, I don't know if its my life battles, my kids, my food, my budgeting or a combination of it all but I am happy to have 2 people want to see that.
It actually boosts my confidence, makes me feel special. No denying I would LOVE to have a huge following but I am still quite new to blogging, I don't advertise my blog anywhere and I'm not really one of those catchy writers that have you hooked.

So thank you and I hope you continue to follow me and maybe even share me around and your friends will like me too and the fun will begin so to speak.
I have a lot of topics I want to write about and today I will start doing some of those so look out for those!

What are we eating for the rest of the week?

Forgive me for being slack with my meal plans but I have been busy graduating from my course and working part time as well as the gym and a new counsellor.
Here is our meal plan from today until shopping day (Friday)

Monday
Breakfast - Pancakes with maple syrup and berries
Lunch - Leftover cous cous and chicken
Dinner - Pumpkin soup with homemade bread rolls
Tuesday
Breakfast - Yoghurt with oats and berries
Lunch - Leftover pumpkin soup
Dinner - Lasagne with sweet potato wedges smothered in garlic and Tuscan seasoning

Wednesday
Breakfast - Eggs on toast
Lunch - Leftover lasagne with a salad
Dinner - Chicken parmigiana with steamed broccoli

Thursday
Breakfast - Yoghurt and fruit
Lunch - Chicken and salad wrap
Dinner - Homemade pizzas with pumpkin and carrot fries

Our meals are simple, they don't cost a lot, we stretch them to make it last, we are certainly not missing out, in fact I had a blood test last week and since I started eating like this again my results had improved quite a lot so I was very proud of myself.

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Get some pork on your fork!

I have a serious craving for pork! A really serious craving, drooling at the thought of sticky pork ribs or salty pork crackling.
They aren't the healthiest of options though are they?
Since I'm spending $40 a week on bootcamp (when hubby isn't interstate) then I don't want to undo all my hard work by eating crap.

So off to pinterest I go to find some clean pork recipes and share them here and drool over them like I've just seen Channing Tatum in his birthday suit.



This I think will be dinner tomorrow night, mmmmmm looks so good, now I want pineapple too!

I would tweak this a little, instead of the sour cream I'd use Greek yoghurt as there are no organic options near me, certainly sounds good though!

It has been ssooooo long since I had meatballs and these sound delish, some go really dry when you cook them but I think the apple in these will keep them nice and moist



Egg rolls nom nom, I could never say no. These aren't crispy since they're baked not fried but that picture makes them look devine, I'm not sure about the ginger dipping sauce as I'm not a huge ginger fan but a plum or garlic sauce would work well I think.

Pork Mushroom Egg Rolls with Creamy Ginger Sauce

These are just a few of the many recipes that have had me drooling tonight.

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Organising my home

I need to get my house organised. After my recent heroin relapse I made a deal with my social worker, she would help me get my house straightened up and help take a lot of the pressure off by hiring an organiser (so far this lady has been more hassle than good), I've been on pinterest tonight looking at ways to organise things and get my house so it doesn't look like I let a blender go off in every room without a lid.
I am not going to set an unrealistic goal, here you have to remember I have 4 children, 2 of which are 3 years old and often in hospital, I have bipolar and am currently unmedicated this causes lots of periods where I have no energy, we are a low income family. I have given myself 12 months to do it, it seems like a long time but I know it will end up going quickly.
My mission starts on Saturday which is my pay day.
Mission One aka month one: Kitchen/Dining
Our house is open plan(ish) so I'll include kitchen and dining as one.
Mission Two aka month two: Lounge room
Mission Three aka month three: Hall (we have quite a number of cupboards)

Mission Four aka month four: Bathroom/toilet

Mission Five aka month five: Bedroom one which is my girls room

Mission Six aka month six: Bedroom two which is my room

Mission Seven aka month seven: Bedroom three which is the twins room

Mission Eight: Laundry (the never ending cycle!)

Mission Nine: Shedding

Mission Ten: Front garden

Mission Eleven: Back garden

Mission Twelve: Keeping it all done!

So what needs doing in each? (I'm feeling exhausted just writing this blog, seriously!)
Kitchen/dining
- Throw away Tupperware that is missing lids/has no lids
- Throw away broken/incomplete appliances
- Sell or donate appliances that aren't used
- Sort through cupboards, throw away anything unused
- Sort pantry and organise it (get containers and labels!)
- Layby/buy new dining chairs/dining suite
- Sort drawers
- Go through boxes under the table (they've been there since we moved in!)
- Clean oven (the job I hate the most)
- Paint pantry doors (thanks to hubby half painting them)
Lounge Room
- Sort through cupboards
- Clean under couches
- Layby/buy new couch, if funds don't permit make/buy throws for couches
- Clear out fish tank accessories
- Wash curtains (think about new ones)
Hall
- Sort out bookshelf
- Sort out cupboards in entry
- Sort out linen cupboard
- Clean walls
Bathroom/Toilet
- Buy bin for toilet and teach people how to change the toilet roll!
- Sort through bathroom cupboards and drawers
- Clean grout
- Buy new toilet brush and accessories
- Sort bath toys
- Replace all toothbrushes


Girls Room
- Sort through toys
- Sort through books
- Sort through clothes
- Organise wardrobes and drawers
- Repaint bed
- New bedding (depending what I've found in the linen cupboard)

Master Bedroom
- Sort wardrobe
- Finish paying off furniture and fit in
- Buy lamps
- Sort clothing
- Sort drawers
- Fix door frame
- Paint door
- New curtains or fix old ones


Twins Bedroom
- Sort toys
- Sort clothes
- Organise wardrobes and toys
- New bedding and d├ęcor

Laundry
- Get on top of it
- Make a system
- Clean walls
- Rearrange
- See if we can possibly fit in a free standing dishwasher


Shedding
- Sort through boxes
- Sort through everything
- Make room for tools
- Make room for storage
- Fix up


Front Garden
- Redo the fairy garden
- Make it look pretty
- Have a wow feature
- Make it look like a garden
- Hidden area for bins


Back Garden
- Do dedication garden (a garden in memory of my children in heaven)
- Make an area for the kids toys
- Fix up BBQ/outdoor entertainment area
- Put up weatherproof roofing
- Sort out the rubbish dump aka the back bit of our garden
- Begin the veggie patch


I'll post likely add bits here and there and hopefully get some things done before it comes up, as soon as I get to the top of the waiting list I will hopefully be medicated again and not yo-yoing so much.
Before and after pics will be posted (no judging on the before!!)
I guess I should go do my dishes before I get too distracted on pinterest.
Hopefully some of you can join in with this and we can all show our before and afters.

Monday, 12 May 2014

How a lady named Kristy who I have never met or even spoken on the phone to saved my life

About 18 months ago I was watching the news and a story from the US came on the tv about a woman who had been locked out of her facebook account and had photos removed from her facebook page because of breastfeeding photos. In reality theses photos do not violate facebooks terms and conditions because they aren't nudity or pornography facebook states it supports breastfeeding and allows breastfeeding photos. So Kristy stood up and made everyone listen. 
I had breastfed my twins and got lots of negative feedback for doing so, I like this Kristy already. I joined her facebook page as a liker which is www.facebook.com/bfmamatalk
This is the video of Kristy on the news:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vo1D-2VSAT0

A few months after joining there was a post about needing admins to help out on the page as they get hundreds of questions from breastfeeding mothers every single day. I applied, I really didn't think they would accept me but they did.

I am a qualified birth worker and it has boosted my confidence in getting out into the community and helping women. When you're having a bad day and someone inboxes your personal profile needing help breastfeeding and getting a message a week later saying how you helped them so much does a lot for you, it's a great feeling.
Breastfeeding mama talk is growing rapidly and I am proud to be a part of it, Kristy is amazing, she puts in a lot of hard work to give women this level of support.
Breastfeeding mama talk to me now is not just a page I like or admin on it's my life line, the ladies behind the scenes are wonderful, I couldn't ask for a better bunch of people to work alongside. Kristy is in the US and I am in Australia. One day I hope we will meet! 

It may sound dramatic to say she saved my life, maybe have me a new lease on life is a better fit?! When I joined bfmt I was very depressed, this has as I said boosted my confidence, gives me a kick everyday from helping people, a purpose I guess you could say. I wake up excited to see who I can help today. Ive been talking about addictions this week and can say I am 100% addicted to bfmt and I have absolutely no intentions of changing that. 
Breastfeeding mama talk has a lot of outlets, we have a private group for those questions you don't want to wait until we admin see it or don't feel comfortable with it being on the main page, a page for teen mums, parents of children who have passed away at any stage, an adults sex page (female only) because we all have needs! A group for those of us trying to conceive, a group for step families and many more..

A piece of me - part 3

This chapter is thankfully very dull compared to the last 2.  
Chapter one - http://lifeonbothsidesoftherainbow.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/a-piece-of-me-part-one.html
Chapter two - http://lifeonbothsidesoftherainbow.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/a-piece-of-me-part-two.html
who had come and saved us that day was amazing, my daughter loved him. We had seen him a number of times at P's house and he admitted he had always liked me, I asked him why he didn't say anything, he said because the way I was raised you had a boyfriend and you don't interfere with somebody else's lady. It shocked me, the men I'd been around all didn't care if you were single or taken as long as they got laid.
L found me a house where M had no idea where I was and he moved in too, he was living in his car so I figured with it being a 3 bedroom house he may as well have a roof over his head too. 
Within a matter of weeks my room became his room too. He still didn't know I was an addict. I wasn't using much now, I felt really safe with him and didn't need to block many things, I paid for my habit by shoplifting and selling the stolen stuff, something he also didn't know about. We had been together for about 6 months and I told him, I told him every single little bit there was to know about me.
He was upset, he made me promise to stop using. He said he would leave if I continued. This was in October of 2006, fast forward a little to December 2006, I had kept my promise I had stayed clean and straight for 2 months, he told me how proud he was and pulled out a ring, that night we got engaged.
Since I made that promise I will admit I have relapsed a few times, one time very recently, each time I have regretted it. The last time I relapsed police got involved, other organisations got involved to help me with my struggles, I also found a sponsor and have attended a few NA meetings. I don't feel a pull to the drug anymore unless I am having a really rough time. I am a survivor of drug addiction. It will not beat me, I beat it. 
L and I have now been married for 5 years this year.

A piece of me - part two

This is the second time I'm trying to write this, the iPad glitched and I lost an hours worth of writing :(

This next chapter begins in australia, I hadn't touched drugs since moving here, it was a struggle to even get cigarettes here. At the time you could legally buy cigarettes in England at 16, here it was 18. Getting clean had been hell but I had become used to the idea of having a baby at 16 since he was due in February and my birthday is in January. Getting clean was hell, I thought I was going to die but it was worth it, I hung it on for my baby. Me and him would take on the world, I was finally gaining someone who would love me and I could love back, I would cuddle him, feed him, look after him. I wasn't sure where we would live, we would find an organisation that would help us but I was going to build a great life for him, make him proud to call me his mum.
This all turned upside down when I was 25 weeks pregnant and gave birth to Anthony, he was so small, yet perfect, we would make it through this, everything would be ok, I had him, he was mine, nobody was going to take that away. The universe however had other ideas and Anthony James grew his wings at 3 hours old.

My world was destroyed. Crushed, broken beyond repair. My head was spinning so fast. D had been over in australia visiting with his mum and had been at the hospital the entire time. He said he needed to get away for but about half an hour after Anthony had passed, I didn't care,I wanted to be alone. I wanted my son. He came back a few hours later, I was locked in the toilet slashing my wrists with a razor blade, he knocked on the door, I told him to go away, he said he had a present for me, I said I didn't need presents I'm going to be with my son. It didn't take him long to break the lock, all I remember him saying was quick before the nurses come and injecting me. After that a nurse never left my side until I was discharged. Not long after D and his mum had to go home, back to England. My habit started again, I only knew one way to fund it, could I do it alone? I soon learnt I could, there are horny men everywhere.

Fast forward to when I was 17, I has enrolled in a new school, making a good, honest, clean go at my life. I had promised my son I would make him proud of me and that it what I was going to do. It was July 2nd 2004 and I'd been dragged to the movies by friends to watch Shrek 2, this is where I met M. Instantly I fell for him, by the end of the night we had exchanged numbers and became inseperable. July 10th 2004 was a friends birthday party, we all drank way too much and M and I ended up sleeping together, little did I know at the time my 2nd child had just been conceived. It was all in this week I was kicked out of school and subsequently kicked out of home. I moved in with my friend C and her family who later became my adopted family.
C thought she was pregnant but was too scared to do a test, she had bought a twin pack so to help her through the process I said I'll do one if you do one, never had I expected to see 2 lines clear as day, hers was negative, mine was positive. So what started as just helping a friend be brave enough to pee on a stick turned into me discovering I was pregnant. I was 17, M was only 15.
My adopted mum didn't like M and one if the conditions to me living there was that I stop seeing him. I was in love though, I snuck out and lied about where I was going to see him, I even got him a job where I was working so I could see him. Then one day my adopted dad, R, came and sat me down outside as I was having a cigarette and said "mum said you have to leave, you lied to us" my heart sank. I never thought I'd be kicked out for trying to have a relationship with the father of my baby, after my first son being conceived through rape having an actual family for my baby meant a lot to me, more than others around could possibly imagine. It broke my heart that I'd hurt the family who took me in, the family I'd longed for all my life and I'd stuffed it up, little did I know I'd need them more than ever a few months later but was too embarrassed to reach out after hurting them.
This is another reason these posts are hard to right, my adopted mum is a follower on my page so chances are she will read this and learn of just how screwed up I was. I never stole from them, never meant to hurt them, reading these posts will hurt her. Mum if you do read this, I am sorry, I wish I had have listened to you, I wish I had have pulled my head in and treated you with the respect you deserved, not back chatted, done more housework, spent more time with you, sitting here in tears right now just wanting to hug you and tell you I love you. If I had have listened to my adopted mum then I wouldn't have to write this next section.



I'd never been around domestic violence, not this way. I'll never forget the first time he hit me, it was not long after we moved in together in October 2004, roughly 6 weeks after I'd left my adopted mums house. It was a punch straight to the face,he told me he was sorry and that he didn't mean it. I believed him. I was 21 weeks pregnant when he threw a tv and me and narrowly missed me, 24 weeks when he stabbed me 3 times with a screwdriver, once in the leg, twice in the back. This is the scar on my leg 10 years later.

The violence got worse. At 26 weeks I was rushed to hospital where I was then transferred to another hospital over an hour away that had a NICU as I'd tested positive for being in pre term labour, the contractions were getting closer and all I could think was that what happened with Anthony was happening all over again. Thankfully the amazing staff stopped my labour with a lot of medications and I was put onto bed rest. I was discharged  a few weeks later. The violence started again shortly after I returned home, I was thrown through walls, held down and choked, slapped and punched.
I believed that when the baby arrived he would change, I had nobody to turn to, I was scared to leave.
My daughter was born April 25th 2005 and 41 weeks. We picked him up from a nightclub on the way to the hospital.
Nothing changed. I rang my biological dad one day for help, I needed to get me and my baby out, his exact words I will never forget "you made your bed, you lie in it" he hung up. That taught me not to reach out for help, keep going alone, one day it will stop.
It did stop one day. We were in the car we didn't have our daughter she was at M's mums for the night, the car had no fuel, we pulled into a service station and filled up, he jumped in the he car and took off, great we just did a petrol run. He was angry because I said I wanted to go home after that, he started driving erratically. He pulled up at a shop and told me to stay in the car. I rang my adopted sister C whom I had lived with that time and put my phone in my lap so she could hear but M wouldn't know I had called anyone, he was hitting me, he was scrapping the passenger side of the car into poles, telling me I was going to die that night. Eventually he got bored and drove us home, we drove straight past our unit there was police everywhere, C had called them. He dropped me off down the road and told me to walk home, pick up something and not tell them he was sitting down the road. I walked to my house and collapsed to the ground, police ran to me, of course I told them where he was. The police filed an intervention order against my will, I was scared, if he thought I'd done it he would kill me, his mum had our daughter, I needed her back.
We had court the next day and I dropped the intervention order down to a limited order so that he could still live in the home, I truly believed after that he would change. Again I was wrong.
All the violence had made me hit the drugs again pretty hard and start working the streets again so that I could be numbed out from it all, it barely hurt if I was loaded, it didn't even scare me if I was loaded. Pretty soon getting punched and choked until you pass out had become a part of daily life. He didn't care that our daughter was around or even in my arms.
I had started a new school, I was determind to finish high school. I met a girl named P who I became good friends with and would stay at her house as long a I could before knowing I had to go home. One night M and I got into yet another arguement, he broke my nose and my hand, I rang P, she said stay there get as much stuff as you can we are coming to get you. She lived a half an hour drive away, a car pulls up in my driveway 10 minutes later with P and a guy I'd seen around at her house a few times, she went straight to the baby's room and grabbed her, L grabbed my stuff and helped me into the car.
That is the night my daughter and I broke free.


A piece of me - part one

First of all I'd like to apologise if this post is a little hard to follow, my plan is just to write what I think as I think it. I have a lot of things I just want to get out. I am struggling a lot and am keeping it all to myself to the point I will burst so I am hoping by just spilling it all here I feel a little better.

There are parts of me that people closest to me don't even know, or I am unaware they know. Parts of me that family nor friends know. Parts that I have buried in hopes that it can be forgotten, really I feel like a fake by doing this, not healed like I thought I would.

My past isn't pretty, I do regret it, would I change it though? I don't know, parts of me would but a part of me says I wouldn't be who I am today without it - although at times that really wouldn't be a bad thing.



Jealousy is something I find creeping into my life a lot. Looking at people younger than me who own their own home or have build, own nice flashy cars, have been to university, nice furnishings and savings. I have none of that, I'm 27, I rent, my car is 20 years old (toyota landcruiser thankfully they're built to last!), I have studied but not at a university level just a tafe level, the only nice piece of furniture I have is my new bed and that won't last long with my kids and I'm lucky to have a dollar by pay day let alone savings. It often feels like my sister rubs it in and often makes me feel like a failure. I have a safe, secure roof over my children's heads isn't that important? I may not own it but we have a great relationship with our landlords and the only thing that would force us to move was if they were to sell the house and they certainly have no intentions of that in the future, maybe we can even own/build our own house by the time they make that decision.



Another part of my life that I have never told exactly how it is to many people, I think my husband is the only one who knows the 100% truth. This is a massive part of my life and one that has changed everything forever. I was always a rebellious child, smoking and drinking by age 13, experimenting with drugs by 14 (only weed and prescription pills at this stage), boyfriends my dad didn't like and being sexual with them (not intercourse). I met let's just call him D at 14 and began seeing him as well as my boyfriend let's call him A, I couldn't pick between the 2, my parents hated both. D's grandparents lived across the road he was easy to see, he was a bad boy, it made him attractive to me, he had lots of money and showered me with gifts, I loved the attention. A was sweet, he cared, he was gentle, very different from many 16 year olds, his family were also lovely and very accepting of me, I felt safe and wanted. I know being with the two was wrong, I was young, having issues at home and not feeling the emotional needs I should have from there I guess is my only reason.
D lived with his step dad, his step dad gave off a vibe I didn't exactly like but was really nice to me and encouraged D to spend time with me and spend money on me. He would buy my cigarettes and alcohol everyday, he supplied my pills, it never occurred to me at the time how he would get them, I didn't care. 
About 6 months after I met him I discovered both D and his step dad were heroin addicts, I had never picked it, I didn't know what the signs were. My own addictions were the only addictions I had ever been around (excluding cigarettes), not long after I discovered it D asked if I'd like to try it, it was a day my dad and I had a huge fight, I was upset and hurt, D said the heroin would make me forget it, how could I resist? The first few times he injected me until I was confident enough to do it myself. A few people I have told this story too have judged me, how can a 14 year old afford to be a heroin addict? As I said before this family seemed to have endless supplies of money, it didn't take long for me to learn how they could afford my habit as well as their own. 


Fast forward now to shortly after my 15th birthday, walking home from a friends house late at night, a neighbour, the school nurses son came out from his house and grabbed me, he raped me and told me he would hurt me if I told anyone, he also told me he knew things about me that he would tell my family if I told anyone, why would I tell my parents anyway? They wouldn't believe me, they never believe anything I said. Heroin numbed this out for me and became my way to cope, my way to sleep without nightmares or flashbacks. Helped me not feel dirty. I spent more and more time at D's house and used more and more. This is where I discovered why his family had money and could afford our habits. I was now told I had to start contributing. How could I? I wasn't allowed to get a job. It was 2-3 months after the rape, I was still using, I was stupid, I was numb, I wanted to ignore it all so it would go away.
We will teach you tonight how you can earn your keep or you'll have to stop coming around I was told. Stop coming around? I couldn't do he hat, I didn't know anywhere else I could score from. A already wanted nothing to do with me, I'd lost all my friends, D was all I had left. 


The next chapter begins, one that I never tell anybody. I am now deeply ashamed of this part, at the time it was a matter of survival, a way to feed my habit. I was told to dress nicely, which for me at 15 was when I look at it now provocatively. We drove to a part of town I had never seen before, it wasn't dark yet but it was just before dusk. D's step dad stopped the car, D held my hand tight, he was shaking, he even had tears in his eyes, I still had no idea what was going on. D's step dad told me to get out of the car, I did, he wound down the window and said I'll be back in a few hours, here is what to charge, if the cops come keep walking.
The note he handed me read this:
Handjobs £5
Blow jobs £20
half an hour £50
hour £85
Nothing without a condom.

I'll never forget that note, forever etched in my mind, his scrawl with those prices on it, I panicked, what do I do? I wanted to run, where was I? Then the addict in me kicked in, I can't run, I have to do this, I can't score tonight if I don't. This is where I began selling my body for heroin. 
D's step dad took everything I earnt everyday and gave me heroin in return, making a profit for himself of course, I later learnt he had a number of girls doing this for him. THIS is where the money came from, this is how they could afford a habit. 
I was getting into a lot of trouble at home for never being there, skipping school etc, then a few months later my parents moved us to australia where I had to learn to survive on my own, a heroin addict and pregnant. I've been called a lot of names for using whilst pregnant, only a true addict gets what state of mind my head was in at that time.


Saturday, 3 May 2014

A family of 6 living on $600 or less a month (foodwise)

 
When a lot of people find out how little we spend compared to others on food they automatically assume I a) don't feed my children, b) don't have a healthy or balanced diet or c) think I'm crazy

Now c maybe up for debate but I certainly do feed my children and we eat very healthily and a very balanced diet.

Here is the receipt from my latest shopping, this doesn't include fruit and vegetables either or toiletries because I forgot the toiletries and I shop at a separate fruit and vegetable store so add another $80 on there.
 
 
So lets call it $190 for arguments sake. This $190 now includes all groceries, meats, fruits and vegetables and toiletries :) This is to last us 2 weeks, to calculate that to a month you have $380.
So what do we eat for $380 a month?

Here is a fortnightly example, I double batch so you will only see a week. This way I just cook double and have a meal ready for next week. If it cannot be frozen I just simply make it again the next week, buying in bulk saves money!

Breakfasts consist of:
Slow cooked oats - I do mix it up a little with different variations like cherry and almond or banana and blueberry.
Eggs and vegemite soldiers
Smoothies
Yoghurt and fruit sprinkled with some oats although I Plan on making my own granola one day
Scrambled eggs with baby spinach, capsicum, garlic and tomato.
For quick and on the go I have these breakfast muffins handy.

Lunches are generally:
Scrambled eggs with baby spinach, capsicum, garlic and tomato
Salad wraps with poached chicken
Poached eggs on homemade bread
Frittata and salad
Yogurt and fruit
Vegetable sticks and fruit with a homemade dip

Our dinner menu is:

S- Homemade pizzas - the kids love participating
S - Turkey chilli con carne with brown rice
M - Pumpkin soup - great winter warmer
T - Rainbow Chicken - I also add kale to this
W - Pea & ham soup - another winter classic
T - Fajitas - I do add a mix of beef and chicken here
F - Sweet potato & pear soup - can you tell I love soups in winter?!

Snacks generally are nuts, fruit, raw vegetables and yogurt.
School lunches are a little different but I'll do a new blog post on those.


Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Rainbow Chicken Salad

I love food with colour, it makes me feel happy. Colourful food generally means healthy food so even better!
I stumbled upon a recipe earlier in the week for a salad that looked delicious. Healthy, partially raw and pretty.
So tonight I made it
Http://pinchofyum.com/rainbow-chicken-salad-almond-honey-mustard-dressing


I added pumpkin seeds to mine just because I had them here, it was a weird combination but onei couldn't get enough of, the blueberries and the chicken went surprisingly well together.
I have enough left over for lunch tomorrow too :)
This is the kind of thing I want to eat more of, it's great to eat a meal and feel satisfied yet not bloated (at the moment I am confusing that with hunger) 
I finished it off by eating the rest or the orange I used for the dressing. 

Thursday I will have lots to update on as I have a doctors appointment that I've been meaning yo make for over a year.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Broccoli & Leek Soup

BROCOLLI & LEEK SOUP


Here's my recipe. I was going to use one I found online but my terrors hid my phone so I had to make it up. I have to say it turned out quite nice.

2 leeks
1 decent head of broccoli
3 cups chicken stock
1 clove minced garlic
1/2 cup coconut milk (or cows milk/cream or both if no allergies)

Chop leeks and saute with garlic for a few minutes, add the broccoli and saute for a further 3 minutes.
Add your stock and cook until broccoli is soft but not mushy (we don't want mushy!)
Blend with a stick blender or food processor/blender.
Stir in milk.
Serve.

Some nice parmesan bread would be perfect with this. 
It's healthy, allergy safe (for most common allergies) and tastes delicious.

One of those days

You know the days I mean, the ones where you want to crawl into a hole, the kids are driving you bat shit crazy and it's taking all your strength to just not flip your shit.
 The twins were sick last night so we got very little sleep.  Jackson has taken to biting his brother. The crying, the tantrums, the throwing and destroying things.  How am I ever going to make it to bedtime? I really have no idea how we will. All I want is sleep. The house is so so messy because all my energy is focused on them and the other will destroy things while I am calming the other and vice versa.
Lovely Ballarat weather has it so we can't play outside today nor can I get much washing done with all this rain. 
Is it even normal to feel petrified of the day? 
I know once bedtime comes around I am going to be very grateful.
Don't get me wrong I love my kids, I love them more than I can tell you today is just one of those really, really hard days.


It will get better, it will get easier.


Monday, 7 April 2014

Flowers

Today I bought myself a bunch of flowers. A few reasons why, I loved the colours, hubby never buys them for me and as motivation.
How can flowers be motivational? Because tomorrow I have to clean my dining room, I am sick of the clutter and how nice will the room look with no clutter, no mess and a pretty bunch of flowers, so that is why these flowers for me will be motivational.


Aren't they pretty?!

I love fresh flowers (my hayfever doesn't quite love them as much as I do!)
It felt good too to buy something to make the house look nice, I know they won't last long but I made myself smile and that is a big thing.