Friday, 20 June 2014

It's a confidence building exercise

**This post is about sexual assault so please if this topic is a trigger for you either don't read or read on with caution**
It wasn't until recently that I realised I have been sexually assaulted more times than just the time I was raped, just because intercourse wasn't involved doesn't mean it wasn't assault.
Firstly we will start with my father in law - yes my husbands own father. I had just had my third child, she was around 3-4 months old and my husband was at work, my father in law stopped by which never happened as he lived quite some distance so I wasn't uncomfortable by this, I assumed he had come to see his new grandaughter, my husbands first child.
She fell asleep shortly after he arrived and he said are you coming out for a smoke? Being a smoker at the time I said yes, we smoked out in the garage.
We had been out there for about 15 minutes when he said come here, I did. He hugged me, this was nothing new he had always been very affectionate and I had never thought anything of it, I actually liked it. Then he kissed me, on the lips and I could feel his tongue trying to force its way into my mouth. I was 21 and he was 60. I didn't say no, I froze, paralysed to the spot. This went on for about half an hour, I couldn't move, talk, nothing, I wasn't even in my own body anymore, disassociation has well and truly kicked in.
Eventually I said I need to check the baby and ran inside and woke the baby and held her close to me the whole time, he left shortly after and I rang my husband in tears.
He of course rang his father and his father said that it was a confidence building exercise for me - how that builds my confidence I have no idea. Well the rest of the family soon heard that I had "accused" him of these things and then a few other family members (ex wives of my husbands brothers) came to me and told me of similar experiences they have had with him.
I'm not sure if this is even sexual assault but my trust was shattered as was my husbands, my privacy was invaded, kissing someone in that manner certainly shouldn't be something that goes on with your father in law when you're engaged to be married.
Why didn't I say no? I was scared, plain and simple, I froze.

After I started going to a family violence counselling program the worker there also made me aware that what my ex used to do was sexual assault and rape. Because he was violent if he came home while I was in bed I would pretend to be asleep, if he wanted sex he would just take it with me still pretending to be asleep, call me stupid but until recently I thought that was ok because we were together so he was entitled to do that but no he was not because if I were actually asleep I would not have been in a position to say no.

There is one more incident but I am not yet ready to tell that story as it is very recent (only a few months ago) 

Dream without fear. Love without limits

Today has been a really, really emotional day.
Lets start off by telling you in these parts of Australia at this time of year it is bitterly cold. My husband has gone to work approx 3 hours away and I am getting 4 children ready, 2 for daycare and 2 for school.
I can't find the car keys, they aren't on the hook, they aren't on the bench and they aren't on the table. So I call my husband and ask him as he was the last one to use the car and all I get is "oh shit, they're in my pocket" So he is 3 hours away with my keys - great! So I ask him where the spare key is "I have that too" WTF???!!!! After a lot of ringing around I got the kids to their destinations now I'm worrying that I won't be able to get the boys in time.

I'm still sick, getting better but still can't breathe very well, sneezing and coughing so I haven't been going to bootcamp. I also haven't really been online very much because I've had no energy.

I do have fabulous news though. Check out the ticker!

So that is correct as of today, it has been 5 whole days without alcohol to numb out reality, 5 days of living in the real world. It hasn't felt good (yet), I am finding it very hard to cope (for now) but I am proud of myself since I have been drinking everyday for the last few years and haven't been able to go to events without making a fool of myself and not remembering most of it.
I would not have been strong enough to take this step without a dear friend of mine, her name is Heather and although I've never met her in real life since she's in a different country, I feel like I can tell her anything and I wish she were closer.
She set up a group for people with addictions, or ex addicts or families and friends of addicts and it has given me the support I need to do this.
Check out the group Life After The Gamble

Not much else is going on with me at the moment I am struggling beyond belief to keep the house tidy as hubby is working a lot, 4 kids and the above paragraph has been making it hard for me to focus on anything. But I know it will get easier, things will get better and life will be good.
Anyway the ferals are trying to kill each other so I must go to that.

Sunday, 8 June 2014

To my followers

I have a whole 2 followers now - yippee! This may not seem like anything, most blogs out there have hundreds, thousands even and I have 2! It does mean a lot to me though 2 people want to follow what I have to say, I don't know if its my life battles, my kids, my food, my budgeting or a combination of it all but I am happy to have 2 people want to see that.
It actually boosts my confidence, makes me feel special. No denying I would LOVE to have a huge following but I am still quite new to blogging, I don't advertise my blog anywhere and I'm not really one of those catchy writers that have you hooked.

So thank you and I hope you continue to follow me and maybe even share me around and your friends will like me too and the fun will begin so to speak.
I have a lot of topics I want to write about and today I will start doing some of those so look out for those!

What are we eating for the rest of the week?

Forgive me for being slack with my meal plans but I have been busy graduating from my course and working part time as well as the gym and a new counsellor.
Here is our meal plan from today until shopping day (Friday)

Breakfast - Pancakes with maple syrup and berries
Lunch - Leftover cous cous and chicken
Dinner - Pumpkin soup with homemade bread rolls
Breakfast - Yoghurt with oats and berries
Lunch - Leftover pumpkin soup
Dinner - Lasagne with sweet potato wedges smothered in garlic and Tuscan seasoning

Breakfast - Eggs on toast
Lunch - Leftover lasagne with a salad
Dinner - Chicken parmigiana with steamed broccoli

Breakfast - Yoghurt and fruit
Lunch - Chicken and salad wrap
Dinner - Homemade pizzas with pumpkin and carrot fries

Our meals are simple, they don't cost a lot, we stretch them to make it last, we are certainly not missing out, in fact I had a blood test last week and since I started eating like this again my results had improved quite a lot so I was very proud of myself.