Tuesday, 30 December 2014

2015 - the year everything changes

I don't usually do new years resolutions, my belief is they're made to be broken, you don't need to wait until new year to change your life etc BUT I am making some goals for 2015 so I guess I am jumping on board the new years resolution train.

My goals for 2015 are:
Lose 15kg
Tone up, be fit and healthy
Be able to eat clean (or mostly)
Save money
Learn to manage my bipolar and borderline personality disorder better

I know it seems like a lot, writing it down it looks a little overwhelming actually BUT they are all linked in, losing weight and making better lifestlye choices are great for mental health and not buying junk will help in saving money so technically they all link in together.

It just so happens that a new client of mine who is having a baby also owns a gym so I'm hoping to work a little magic and we can help each other! I am now heavier than I have ever been not pregnant, I'm heavier than I've been for most of my pregnancies too. The moment really hit when we did family photos at xmas and I was the biggest there, I looked and felt/feel horrible. I'm sluggish, tired, unmotivated, my self esteem has gone way out the window and ran away. I want to be able to feel confident in clothes not contantly pulling them down over the fat or changing because I look and feel like an elephant.

Why do I want to save money? Why do we all want money? I want to not struggle when a bill comes in or worry if I have enough money for groceries or when a child gets sick do I have enough for the medical care they need? If my car dies can I fix it? Being extremely low income this is going to be hard but I want to make a start and make an effort.
A few little things I am going to do are:
All coins under 50c will go in a jar
Everyday that I do not do exercise I put $1 in a jar
Everyday that I eat junk I put $1 in that jar

Hopefully I don't end up putting too many dollars in that jar, that one is a bit of a motivational thing rather than a saver.
I will also be doing the 52 week money challenge which is in the picture

I also want to start paying off some of my debts.
$150 a month (or more if I have any left over) will go towards this, its not a huge amount but it is better than nothing and is getting them paid off so I can be debt free.

I will be writing up a strict budget very soon, I do need to remember to put some play money in there though because we would go insane without being able to treat ourselves every now and then and having every single dollar tied up into living expenses.

I also aim to get my house under control. Mental illness and housework don't agree, they just don't and my poor house has suffered. Which gets me down even more, its quite the vicious cycle.
I am on a mission though, I will declutter - I have way too much, I get attached to silly things and can't throw them away.
Maybe we could all do a declutter challenge or a cleaning challenge - no judgements because mental illness effects our lives in enormous ways.

So lets get ready to say goodbye to 2014 and welcome 2015 with open hearts, minds and eyes!

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

A pointless rant

Here I go again another rant, another post with no actual meaning, another pity party.
Truth is I think I am going insane from no sleep, like literally.
I have my mental health worker coming over tomorrow and we only have 40 minutes because my daughter has an important appointment but I need to spill some things to her.
I have been having nightmares and flashbacks of my rape, even rapes that never happened to me but in my dreams they do and they turn so real, I wake up sweaty and crying. I even woke up this morning with a bite mark on my arm. I remember in my dream a man told me if I screamed I would die so I bit my arm, then I woke up with a bite mark. It is too much for me to take. Is this me remembering things from my rape because I have blocked a lot of things out and now I have started the trauma counselling I am remembering them and incorporating them into my dreams?
I know I never want to sleep again. Ever.

On the plus side the friend that I posted about last that was facing jail time was only given probation - thankfully, I am so thankful. She literally is my rock, she maybe half way around the world but I love her, she is my best friend, she is kind, loving, so selfless. I really am in awe of how strong she is. Everyday I stuff up where she stands so tall and strong.
Alcohol seems to be overtaking my life again, its the only thing that helps me get at least an hours solid sleep before the nightmares start if I go to sleep sober I don't even really sleep it all starts as I close my eyes.

My addictions are creeping back into my life, I just want something that takes all the stuff in my head away, the nightmares, the negativity, the stress, the arguing, everything. It doesn't feel like my bipolar medication is working anymore, maybe I need a higher dosage, I don't know I'm far from the professional here I just know I am losing it.
Maybe I need a break. They won't hospitalise me though, I don't know why, I truly feel I need it but apparently they've made things hard to get in - thanks to the Abbott Government - thanks you big earred twat.
I'm afraid to be honest, afraid of snapping lately, I know I am losing it, I know things are on top of me and I know I am using alcohol as a self medication type thing what can I do when nobody is listening? Wait until its too late and my kids get taken away or worse I do something to them that I cannot take back? How do I get somebody to listen when I say I am not fucking coping, I am cracking the fuck up, if these nightmares continue I will slice myself into little pieces or hang myself so they stop. How do I get somebody to take me seriously? The right people, my mental health team.
Don't get me wrong they're great but I need to be strong enough to say all of this out loud and for somebody to not think oh its just a bad day, it isn't just a bad day this is my life, the constant battle, every damn day.

Maybe I'll print this out and give this to my mental health worker tomorrow and see what she says, hopefully its good, hopefully she listens (she never hasn't), hopefully I am taken seriously. I'm already finding reasons not to.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

It's been a while .... again!

I am lacking so much motivation right now and have so much going on.
My son was recently in hospital, only overnight thankfully but his asthma was so bad we needed to call an ambulance, this triggered everything from when their lungs collapsed at 9 weeks old.
I am still trying to piece myself back together.

My therapist/shrink who thankfully does housecalls dropped by earlier in the week and brought over someone I don't know and a male at that. She knows my history, knows my story and brings a strange man into my house, I am upset, I want to stop all therapy and go back to my hole. Do I learn to be strong or do I run away? I don't know.

Eating habits and exercise have gone to shit lately. Poor time management, poor head space, poor budget. I vow to get back on track!
It feels lately that the more I try to get my life on track the more it is spinning out of control, maybe I am on the wrong path, maybe I need to step back and re-evaluate.

Recently I was put on medication for my bipolar and I am even finding that hard, being "normal" not having as many mood changes is confusing for me as it is what I am used to, all I seem to do now is cry. I don't really have any manic episodes now so my motivation has gone with that, no more dancing around carefree cleaning every little nook of my house. My house - thats a whole new vent!

I've started writing a book about my experiences with loss, my anxiety is playing with me over that, will anyone read it, will it even be published? Will I finish it? I am hoping it acts as a healing aid for me and others, my work as a bereavement doula is certainly doing that, I haven't yet supported a family through loss because I haven't put myself out there, I'm not sure I am strong enough yet and want to be, no, need to be strong enough for the family I will be supporting, it isn't fair otherwise.

I am worried about a friend of mine, I know she reads this and really hope she doesn't mind me mentioning her here, I won't go into detail because I haven't asked her permission and it isn't my story to share but she faced a hard time and addiction took hold, something I am familiar with, now she faces a legal battle. Court is coming up and I am hoping and praying her judge sees the good she has done for so many people and how she has conquered her addiction and come out such a better, stronger person. If any of you have or have had an addiction problem I highly recommend her group on facebook it has been a true god send for me during hard time, the group is called life after the gamble ... if you read this, I am constantly hoping for the best outcome for you, you are my inspiration!

Tomorrow lunch time school holidays start, 9 weeks of the girls being home! I am going to embrace daycare days when I only have them and not the twins and have girly days and do things with them as I know the twins take so much attention away from them. I will need to start thinking of some ideas!
I better go now, I have to drop the girls off for their junior school dance!