Friday, 19 June 2015

Dear Miss C

Dear Miss C, I want to apologize firstly, I am sorry I am such a bad mum, I am sorry I depend on you so much to help me do things. I do get angry a lot because I ask for simple things and they get ignored like putting the toys away your were playing with and a week later I am still looking at them. I wrote job lists up for everyone to try and make things easier but nobody follows them and wonders why I am yelling that the house is such a mess. 6 people live here, it should not be just me that cleans. Yes I know you are just a child but a child must learn responsibilities and learn that there are things in life we must do that we do not enjoy. Dad hates being away from us working all the time but he does it for us, if we can all work as a team inside the house by getting things done we will have more time for movies and playing and doing crafts together. Things won't be as rushed and you will never have lost uniform and the mad Sunday rush to get ready for school. We have spoken about this many, many times so I thought it I write it all down when you're sad that I've got angry and been mean then you can read this to remind yourself why I get angry and also to remind yourself that no matter what I say I DO love you and ALWAYS will. I want to be a happy family, I want to be able to play monopoly and things without having to have to clean the table first, I want it so that things are already done, we can just play, wouldn't you like that too? I'm not saying in all of this that you don't help because you do, you are a big help and I don't know what I'd do without you but I just want us to come together and start working as a team, not against each other. I've bought you (all you kids) a book, it's called my happy sad mummy. Remember when I told you that I am sick but not a sickness you can see? I have what is called bipolar and borderline personality disorder and it is something wrong in my brain that makes me the way that I am, I do not like it and am trying to get it so I can manage it and feel better but it takes time and lots and lots of help from those around me. I love you little miss chicken legs, never ever forget that, even when I am angry and say things I do not mean, I love you more than words can describe. Love from mummy xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Husband

Dear Husband, We have been through so, so much together. Joy, sadness, difficult times, amazing times. We have gained children, we have lost children. Together we have been through almost everything imaginable, although we have our rough times and they seem to take over the good times at the moment we are still here, still fighting together. I love you with all my heart, I know it hurts you when I say I want you to leave, it hurts me too - more than you'll ever know. I never asked to be diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is scary, it is confusing, it has turned me into somebody I hate. I don't want to be a horrible wife or a horrible mother but it has warped me that way and I promise you I am going to do everything in my power to change that. I want to be able to show you all love not just hate, I don't want to be constantly yelling and feeling angry. The more angry I get, the more I hate myself, then that makes me angrier and we go around in a vicious circle. I am very, very grateful for everything (well most things!) that you do. You've spent hours and we have spent so much money trying to fix the car, you work hard to provide for us. We may not have much to show for it, we still rent, our furniture is crap and our house looks like shit but you work hard for us, you sacrifice spending time with us to be out on the road for days at a time for us. We love you for it. I love that look you get on your face when your eyes sparkle and you get those cute little dimples, I want to go back to the days where we would put the kids to bed and sit and spend time together, not just in the same room with you on the iPad and me on my phone but genuinely together, lying close to each other on the couch watching a movie or tv show. Even just working together like we used to like one washes one dries or one does the dishes while the other does the laundry, I miss being a part of your team instead it feels like we are opponents working against each other, can we change that please? I want to be on your team. Forever and Always Your awesome wife xoxo

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Dear inlaws

Dear inlaws,
I have done nothing but love your son/brother through more than our fair share of thick and thin.
We have dealt with addiction, violence, him losing job after job, spending our savings on drugs, losing his license multiple times. We have lost 9 pregnancies together, had premature babies, had diagnosis of autism, allergies, asthma, dyslexia and anxiety in our children. I've been diagnosed with a handful of things too. We have had our fair share of rough. But I have been there, he has been there. We have done it together. Yet you still won't give me the time of day.
I have tried and tried to get the family to accept me. I have tried so hard to get you to like me. I have given family members food when they've had none, money, jobs even. None of it appreciated.
I have had my words twisted, false accusations and even my kids told what a horrible person I am.
Somebody sees a Facebook post mentioning family it's spread around like wildfire that it's about one of you. I do have a family I belonged to long before you, belong is the wrong word I know, I've never belonged here.

I've kept secrets for you, I've helped when you've had nowhere to turn, offered a place to sleep when you've had nowhere to stay. Still I'm the bad one.

I don't know what to do anymore to have your acceptance, I've never done a thing wrong. There are 2 sides to every story, the amount of abusive phone calls, messages and comments I have recieved is beyond ridiculous. The majority of these come from people jumping to conclusions or not knowing the full story.

I am done trying. I feel sad that my children miss out on aunties and uncles and cousins because of this. I cannot try any harder. Each and every time I do I end up hurt, an argument ends up taking place, people get put in the middle. Just because I am looking for things for a sister in law doesn't mean it's about any of you. My biological sisters husband has a sister and it was in fact about her but nobody took the time to ask before assumptions were made and shots fired in my direction.

So now I have had my say and you'll probably all laugh and talk behind my back as per usual, I will move on with my life. I hoped that one day everybody could come together as a family but it is a two way street, I am exhausted from trying.
From Nicole