I see your true colours ...... and they're not pretty!

One thing about having mental illness is that you do analyze things, you do see who is really there for you and who isn't.
Today I have lost a friend who I thought would be there until the very end, what tore this friendship apart? A typo, yes you read correctly, my new phone changed a word where I did not want it to, I did not check this and now that person is posting not so nice stuff on their facebook, accusing me of things I am not.
Petty? Yes.
Childish? Yes.
Am I hurt? Yes
Will I move on? Absolutely!

This morning has given me the emotional void to think properly about things without the friendship tag getting in the way, I now see things differently, I see why this person cannot maintain friendships or hold down a job. Their attitude. A bad attitude is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can possess.
If you want to throw away what I believed to be a fairly solid friendship purely because of a typo then that is not my issue, it is not.
If the main concern was a typo rather than my daughters health who was in hospital then again the issue is not me.

A few years ago I truly believed that the strength of your support network was determined by the size, I was wrong it is by the quality not the quantity. Today I am again reminded of that.
Quality not quantity.

Now this is not a blog to hate on that person or anything of the sort, mainly a vent, mainly telling myself that this is not my fault. My focus should be on those who do want to be a part of my life, those who won't walk away over a typo that I explained to them yet they continued to call me stupid and post statuses. Not my fault.

Now I am wiping my hands clean and walking away, focusing on the positive people around me, those who want to be around, those who will not purposely sabotage aspects of my life.
I deserve to be happy, I deserve friendship and I deserve support.  

Living in a world where I am my own worst enemy

Days like today I would give nothing more than to able to remove my own brain from my head and stomp on it a million times.
I am fighting a battle I feel I cannot win, the battle is against myself, against my illnesses, the demons from within are getting louder and making me weaker.
I can't do this, I am stupid, my husband doesn't love me, he is going to find better, my kids deserve better, I will never amount to anything ... the things constantly swimming around in my mind. A constantly judgement, a constant humiliation.

I am still on a waiting list to get in to see somebody about therapy, the hospital won't see me despite the suicidal idealizations the fact that I have not acted on it means I am no risk to myself or those around, so I have been told. I just want help, I just want to not feel this way anymore.

Teaching my children life skills

I am having a guilty mum moment, those moments where you realize you have failed in some way and wish you had a TARDIS to go back and help things change.
My almost 11 year old has never peeled a vegetable, the kids barely do any chores. I write out chore charts and don't follow them up because of the arguments it causes. This is about to change, they need to learn life skills and learn that housework is just part of life.

From now on (this time I really do mean it, I am tired from doing everything and they need to learn, plus they may even enjoy it!) each night a different child will help me cook even if it is just prepping veggies.
We are going to start eating at the table, the kids who are not cooking will help each other in setting the table, the older two will help with dishes and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner.

Homework must be done before dinner or if there is no homework they may go on study ladder or do some reading. Education is important.

The twins can help fold tea towels and gather the socks and dishcloths. The older two will fold and each child will help put laundry away. I will be doing the washing of clothes and drying.

Everybody (adults included) will have their bedroom clean before bed.
Whoever uses the bathroom to shower will wipe it down when they are done.

If you take your clothes off you will take them to the laundry yourself.

Every weekend we will all pitch in to do some bigger tasks like cleaning the gardens up, prepping lunches for the week and wiping down the walls.

I asked in a parenting group I am a member in about what chores their kids do and I realized that my kids really do nothing at all, if I get everyone pitching in a little then things won't be as overwhelming for me, I know it won't happen instantly, it will take time. I think I will have more success with the kids than the husband though ;) Family is about being part of a team and working together.
My kids will have to sacrifice some of their time but I am hoping it helps us to communicate better, get them more active, learn and for us to bond better.

I have to think of some easy prep meals for the beginning, I will be assisting and think of some rewards. Maybe introduce pocket money and they get a deduction for everything they don't do and a reward for additional tasks.

I will let you all know how it goes! We are starting this immediately :)